Tiger Mom

286 days until I am 60!

I've been reading a lot about the “Tiger Mom” and reaction to her essay, which includes an impassioned defense by a daughter and, unfortunately, death threats to the mother. I am somewhere between the two. I can't help but wonder if tiger mom has considered that refusing to allow detainees to use the bathroom is considered torture. And while I see similarities between “Mommie Dearest” and tiger mom, the big difference is that tiger mom obviously loves her daughters. I suggest that is the reason the daughter defends her mom. Children can get past all the parental mistakes if they know they are loved.

I truly believe this woman is guilty of both physical and mental abuse. The kicker is, that I believe that people who parent to the opposite extreme are also abusive. Giving a child too much freedom teaches them extreme self indulgence. In the real world those kids will find themselves at the bottom of society with no tools to help themselves rise. Every child will strive to meet expectations. Expect nothing and the child will believe he is capable of nothing.

In Georgia, students don't necessarily receive “diplomas” at graduation, they can also receive “certificates of attendance” meaning they showed up but couldn't quite manage to pass the state required tests. My son is ADHD, (one test measured his attention span at 10 seconds) has test anxiety, and a “visual perceptual motor integration deficiency” (what that actually means is that he is better at speaking than writing.) I once told my son that his LD was a brick wall. That he could go over it, under it, around it or through it, but I that expected him to find a way to “finish” on the other side.

When Bennie was getting ready to graduate a teacher asked him “When so many of your peers either quit school or accepted a certificate of attendance, why do you think you hung in there and are getting a diploma?”

The teacher called me to tell me that she had really wanted to understand his motivation so as to work and motivate other students. She laughed when she repeated his answer: “Well, my mom said it was graduate or be buried in the front yard, and I wasn't sure if she was serious or not”.

Expectations-me and tiger mom both have them, I simply chose to use humor rather than humiliation.

The final truth of which of us did better will probably not be easily proved for another 30 or 40 years.

I am certain that if financial success is the only criteria for judgment, that her daughters will probably beat out my son....but Bennie is 32, happily married, self confident, willing to express his own ideas, capable of making his own decisions, and is (in my humble opinion) a fantastic parent.

All in all, tiger mom probably raised exactly the child she wanted-but then-so did I.